Today I am a fragile line, waiting for the final twist to break me. I am a fraying string, a tangled coil, only just managing to hold on as the gales scream past me.
I am given only just enough strength to remain clinging on with raw, bleeding hands. With a raw, scratchy throat to cry out: ‘Help.’ A hoarse whisper that carries the weight of thunder. The sound of a soul crushed and ground so finely that it can no longer be put back together into a recognizable shape. No, if anything is made of it again, it must be something completely new, or it will never have any use.
Today I am a shattered fragment. I am a piece of glass on the floor, useless to myself, painful to others, helpless against the dancing feet of life that threaten to annihilate my very existence. I am a burden, a mess to clean up, another piece that needs attending to, just like every other one that feels neglected and invisible and angry and frustrated; I am the one whose ignorance they mock; whose eyes, blinded by grief, cannot see the forest of life beyond the moaning graveyard.
I am a tourist to a place that used to be ‘home.’ I am an outsider to this place I should be known in.
I am nothing. I know nothing. And I am a fool ignoring the ‘I AM’ who waits… does He wait for me?
–Sept. 2, 2017
Said the tiny speck
On a small orb
To itself in the sea of darkness:
‘You know, I am important’ —
Then the world turned,
And the speck found
It was naught but a pile of ashes.
-March 16, 2018
Confession time (is it just me or do I have quite a few of these?): I haven’t been writing anything for a good while. At least, not anything I consider ‘legitimate’ aside from blog posts. So while I was writing a short story for the first time in forever the other day, I had a
relevationary (The Good Dinosaur has ruined me) revelationary (not an actual word) moment where some random writing reminders popped into my head.
Therefore, here I have a short list of random but important reminders to keep in mind while writing, mostly concerning characters:
-A single character comes across differently from different characters’ perspectives.
-Most of your characters think differently than you do.
-A character you like can find another character you like annoying – not all characters that you like necessarily like each other as well.
-Every character has an intricate and unique background that has shaped who they are regardless of how flat they seem.
-Actions speak louder than words, and words can have different meanings depending on how they’re read.
It’s like cutting your hair to enter a barber shop, or cleaning yourself off so you can step into the shower. Do you see how silly you’re being now?
I never told you to pick up your mess before asking me to help you clean it up; I never told you to finish your homework before coming to me with questions. Yet you stand there at the door like you have to know the answer before entering; you try to close your wound on your own before daring to come to the Healer, like your pain is something new that I haven’t seen before, like you know how to fix it better than I do.
Oh, dear child…
Come as you are. Come with your rags, your filth, your hurt, your tears, your failures, your weakness, your frailty. Come with your desperation, your unbelief, your doubt that I really am here, that I really do care. Come with your joy, your grief, your success, your questions, your praises, your unworthiness, your shame, your sin that you think is unforgivable, your hatred, your love, your chains. Come because you don’t want to keep living these lies but don’t know how to stop. Come because you are not worthy, but I make you worthy. Come not knowing; come not caring; come because I can take whatever you throw at me.
Come because I love you. Come because you need me.
Just come. Come. Come as you are.
I could try to put this poetically, but I’m kind of exhausted right now. Poetry = out the window. That’s why the title is trying its best to make up for this unromantic post in its own pathetic kind of way.
Anyway, have you thought about the fact that we just kind of fade out when we sleep? Everything’s just dark until you dream. It’s weird. It’s like a new kind of darkness. Time becomes inconsequential, and our bodies are just dead lumps as our minds disconnect and travel to wherever they travel.
And you have no idea what’s going on when you’re asleep. It’s almost like a video game. (Or I’ve just been playing/watching too many video games lately. Hi, now you know why I never post anymore~)
Wish I was asleep right now. But really, ponder that next time you’re trying to drift off. It’s so mysterious. No wonder sleep is so fascinating and attractive. (Just kidding but not really?)
Hello, joyous couples and desperate and/or depressed single persons!
Happy day to commemorate Christian martyrdom and sacrifice of one (or two? This is a controversial number) Saint Valentine(s) from the 1400s around Rome who was/were beheaded by Claudius II for helping Christian couples get married.
I personally love this day, because it just goes to show how ironically cruel this world is as we mash up a day of martyrs with a day of romance and love and paganism and fat naked babies shooting people with their deadly weapons. (But it’s chill.)
Also, happy Ash Wednesday. While you honor martyrdom and celebrate/flaunt/grieve romance, don’t forget to repent of your sins, you awful humans. Fun facts about Ash Wednesday: the ‘ash cross’ some might put on their foreheads are, in theory, supposed to be from the ashes of a palm frond from last year’s Palm Sunday. In many ancient Middle East cultures, palm trees/fronds symbolized the prosperity and provision that a king would bring to his people. The ashes are to tell you, ‘For dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.’ Ash Wednesday to many Christians signifies the beginning of Lent, which is six weeks of repentance before Easter, where many people give up things like coffee, sugar, reading,
work, or anything else they want to sacrifice to dedicate more time to spending with God. (At least, I think that’s supposed to be the general idea.)
To those single Pringles out there, don’t forget to tell yourself: ‘I am crunchy. I am tasty. I am a delicious brand of chips/crisps.’
Hope you have a great day of eating free candy, spending time with dear ones (or not), and otherwise living a very normal day! And happy birthday, Asher!
Sometimes it’s just that kind of morning. (Plus, it’s a cute penguin.) Oh, the small joys in life.
I have nine WordPress drafts waiting to be completed.
Not including this one. Because this one will actually come to full fruition, I’m sure…
Okay, yeah, I know updates have been very sporadic and whimsical of late. My apologies. Suddenly life caught up to me and demanded a refund for all the time I spent writing those nine (very short) drafts and required an interest of something like 724% for that time, so there you have it.
While I bemoan the ever-lengthening list of post drafts here, I figured I might as well also talk about legitimate writing drafts – you know, those awful things known as rough drafts of writing projects. The stuff of legend you abandoned long ago. Yeah, that untouched pile in the corner of your house/computer.
You should go check it out.
And re-write everything in it.
Just kidding; that would take way too long and probably wouldn’t be fun. (Because unprofessional writers basically live for the fun of writing.) But maybe you should check that pile every once and a while, decide which ones to ditch and which ones to develop, just so that you don’t have a long list of unfinished things hanging over your head for an eternity. (Well, we all pretty much know that it’ll still be there for all eternity, but it doesn’t always have to be that long of a list.) You might find some things that have good ideas, or find something you really do feel like finishing at this very moment. Or you might be encouraged by how much you’ve improved since the last time you touched this four-year-old piece. In any case, going through your old drafts can be helpful just to get a sense of completion and not-having-so-many-‘current’-projects-hanging-over-your-head-ness.
Maybe having too many drafts isn’t a thing, but you probably won’t regret going through them anyway.
it knocks lightly on the window,
on the road outside.
the breakdown of Ozone,
the cool Breeze,
is just biting enough to send a Chill
down one’s spine
as fresh springs
release their new air.
cars drive by down below,
winding between branches of trees
that separate you from the world.
the Night is Still,
still as your heart,
refreshing as a Cry,
as the Earth makes a new start.
– January 26, 2018