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Posted in Completely Random!!

in the minds of us who feel alone,

maybe the outside has to look like the inside for it to count,

or maybe the things get less real if you flip them inside out.

maybe metal explains us better than words or tears ever could,

or maybe it was meant to be burning us all along.

maybe this game isn’t worth playing, and we’re all just faking it after all.

maybe it’s a war not worth winning,

because maybe all we can ever do is lose.

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Posted in Completely Random!!

life-ing (and writing)

Here’s a fun fact people will hardly ever tell you about life, or writing, or pretty much anything else:

we can all act like we know everything, but no one knows what we’re doing. No one knows if we’re doing it right.

We just do it. If it works for you, it works for you.

There are ways that generally work better for the majority of people than others.

(but we’re all fakin’ it. we have no idea what we’re doing.)

Posted in Sleepless Nights, Writing, Writing Bits

All Her Tears Be Washed Away

when i go don’t cry for me

in my Father’s arms i’ll be

How many years it’s been now, it doesn’t really matter; time becomes irrelevant and each day morphs into the next dreary day of sitting, existing, a drag of moving forward. Wake up in pain, move out to the living room in exhaustion, pain, weariness, pain, pain, numb pain and yet the sharpest kind.

They call life a battle or a war — in these cases, the terms hardly seem to apply when it only feels like you’re being trampled down with each wave that you can never truly fight against. Helpless. The word comes to mind more than once. Helpless to fight for a loved one, only waiting, loving, praying it can turn out differently.

the wounds this world left on my soul

will all be healed and i’ll be whole

An older woman — a twig, really, skin and bones after long hard days with her only source of nutrition coming from a tube for however long it’s been now — lay in the bed of a hospice, her white hair only just beginning to grow back from months of chemo, with her tired husband sleeping next to her through the night. They knew it would likely be her last. She was off support. The pain was greater than ever. Oh, God, take it away.

The room was so dark. The softest bed could not have made this comfortable in any way. It was so alone in this room despite the fact that there were two — no, three people. One lurked in the corner, a dark shadowy figure, watching and waiting as the pain continued to throb in her entire body, and she knew it was coming for her very soon even as her eyes began to slowly close.

sun and moon will be replaced with the light of Jesus’ face

and i will not be ashamed, for my Saviour knows my name

As the dark figure hovered through the black room toward her, her eyes opened again as she felt something else; not the dark presence, but something that could only feel like music. Soft music. Familiar music like she may as well have heard it all her life, but only just remembered it now as she heard someone call her name in the most loving, most awesome, most indescribable voice she had ever known: ‘Sarah!’

The dark figure lurched for her. A strong gentle hand pulled her up in a loving embrace just before it reached her.

it don’t matter where you bury me

i’ll be home and i’ll be free

A few hours later, her husband awoke and made the call first to their three grown children, and then the rest of the family, friends…

Sarah was with her Father.

it don’t matter anywhere i lay

all my tears be washed away . . .


lyrics from Ane Brun’s ‘All My Tears.’

love you auntie Sarah. You made a huge impact on the lives of everyone around you. Jealous of you, but also happy for you. Say hi to everyone for us.

How to Read the Bible (Quote)

‘If we come to Scripture with our minds made up, expecting to hear from it an echo of our own thoughts and never the thunderclap of God’s, then indeed he will not speak to us and we shall only be confirmed in our own prejudices. We must allow the Word of God to confront us, disturb our security, to undermine our complacency and to overthrow our patterns of thought and behaviour.’

– John Stott

Posted in Poetry, Sleepless Nights, Writing

Free Verse: Don’t Look Around

Don’t look around

for fear of finding more of these flaws you can do nothing about.

Keep your head down

like the rest of humanity working in this hellish cave;

do not raise too loud a voice for fear of the walls crumbling in around you.

Don’t fear, they’ll tell you,

and glance around with white eyes full of something that must not be fear after all —

You thought wrong again.

– June 27, 2019

 

 

 

Posted in Completely Random!!

Back from the Dead (a Cruise?)

The past week I have been adrift at sea

Not dead but pretty much because I’m exhausted and welcome back to land after a loud and crazy family reunion. Of a week. On a cruise ship.

Yoinks.

Cruise ships have a lotta rich bowling balls — and by that I mean people who could be used as bowling balls cuz they’re very round and plump and if I was a sadistic giant (I’m not; I’m just sadistic) I would probably use them as bowling balls.

Not that fat people are bad. Just have bad habits, like the rest of us.

Cruises are weird and I’m not entirely sure why people find them necessary. Convenient that you don’t have to worry about a lot and can get a bunch of ‘free’ food on board, but there’s also the fact that you’re stuck on a ship with a buncha people and it gets loud and there aren’t a lot of good places to escape from talkative relatives whom you love dearly but is no one here an introvert?

Anywho, all that to say, sorry for not posting religiously and every day because you can save a whole lotta money for a cruise but you sure ain’t gonna get internet onboard unless you wanna pay more money for it. (If you’re on a cruise in the first place, you’d better be doing better things than texting your friends anyway.)

So yeah. Cruises. Knock that off the place it was not on the bucket list.

Posted in Completely Random!!, Letters

Dear Two Years Ago Self:

You feel like ages ago. You didn’t ever really cry about losing virtually everything; funny how you seem to think it’s so bad. Not much really changes in two years, does it? Not on the inside.

Hm. You know, you’ll learn it’s easier to leave than to be left. The person who leaves has to deal with something entirely new; it’s a new picture to work with. The person left behind is the one who has to patch up and work around the holes where the other used to be. That often hurts more than starting anew.

Now things are coming to an end for a more permanent way. But you don’t have to worry about that right now; right now, you just take it one step at a time, one item at a time as you put your childhood back into a couple of suitcases to go across the world again. You can keep telling yourself you’re used to it for now if that helps, but truthfully, that isn’t something anyone should get used to. You should cry more, you know that? You should talk more. I know it hurts when your throat gets so tight and the only coherent thought that even a mind-reader could see would be ‘I wish they could read my mind,’ but there are other ways to communicate, you know. Probably why you took up writing in the first place. Probably why you take up many things.

The years ahead are going to be rough. You didn’t notice how hard they have been getting, anyway; life is like that — a process, a gradual slope that can go down, up, around, often without us noticing. It’s like that. Doesn’t mean you have to hate it.

There is always pain. Always a lot of pain. You will want to give up in virtually every possible aspect. For the beauty of it, for the masterpiece in all its bloody glory, you don’t have to give up. You don’t have to victimize yourself, but you don’t have to give up. Don’t use the victim mindset to avoid the war no one else can fight for you. But others can fight it with you. So don’t be an idiot and go off trying to fight it on your own, alright? Of course you will. But no matter how little others can seem to know, or how alone you feel, or how knowledgeable you like to convince yourself that you are, you still have a lot to learn.

Trust it. Don’t just trust in yourself. You’re only human, right?