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Posted in Completely Random!!

Misunderstood

Foreign languages take the word ‘misunderstood’ to a whole new level.

Just saying.

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Posted in Completely Random!!

Orange Peanuts (In Which I Make a Weird Analogy)

Hello. My name is Maybe Allergic to Peanuts (Except I Haven’t Eaten Them in a Long Time So I Don’t Know if I’ve Grown Out of That) — including the parentheses. I know; it’s a long name. My friend (hey Bob) calls me MATPEIHETIALTSIDKIIGOOT — pronounced something like ‘flopsa-hauniffer’ — for short. That or Groot.

Hi. I am Groot. And I would like to give and receive orange peanuts.

‘An orange peanut? Well, I accept you.’

Thank you.

Being suddenly submerged in a sea of people that I have to interact with every day has been rather new. As a purebred homeschooler from kindergarten to my senior year of high school, most of my daily social interactions were limited to immediate family members.

Then, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked.

A hundred years passed, and the introverted homeschooler found herself at a small college in the middle of nowhere, surrounded mostly by other students who found social interaction necessary for everyday life functioning — students who accused her of social seclusion and little interest in other humans. (Which may or may not have been true.) She found most of the other students loud, irritating, ignorant, and unwilling — unwilling or completely uncaring — to accept her for herself.

Therefore she maturely decided not to accept them.

You know what acceptance stems from? A sort of ‘psychosomatic’ mind blindness; and, at the same time, a certain kind of acute observance. To completely accept a person takes the willingness to overlook certain qualities that may otherwise be aggravating, while at the same time acknowledging what makes the person a unique individual.

As the introverted homeschooler, I’ll be honest and say that I’ve tended to find people in general to be pretty irritating at times. With a leaning toward, if not complete attitude of, misanthropy from some bad past experiences, it’s so much easier to shun other people when you don’t feel accepted, rather than to decide to appreciate their strengths and accept their weaknesses. It’s easier to completely shut people out rather than take the energy to invest in them and let them see you for yourself.

But what about the orange peanuts?

Isn’t it funny to think that most people are just as nervous about rejection as you are? We hide so much from each other, but every time we hand out an orange peanut, every time we offer ourselves to another person in an act of trust that they won’t stab us in the back, our fragile hearts give an extra little thump as we wait for the person’s answer. Will they like me? What if I get hurt again? What if they just spit me back out again?

You know how it feels. And even if you haven’t had the best experience in handing out your own peanuts, you know well enough that every person out there has feelings just like you, so regardless of your own bad experiences, you know you can’t just stomp on others’ food. That’s pretty rude.

Receive others’ orange peanuts. Receive them for who they are and give them total acceptance regardless of differences, regardless of the allergies you think you might have. You never know; you may build a tolerance for those peanuts in the end.

Posted in Completely Random!!

Weakness

Crying

while sharing with someone you trust

brings out a different kind of weeping

than could ever be brought out

on its own.

It’s refreshing.

Maybe tears

were meant to be seen.

Maybe the heart

was meant to show

its weakness.

Posted in Poetry

Free Verse: Air

Bump, bump.

Breathe.

Bump, bump.

Just breathe.

Feel the air

In your lungs,

Out of your lungs–

Breathe.

Bump, bump.

Feel the life

In your heart

As it pumps.

Bump, bump. 

Don’t talk;

Don’t think;

Just breathe.

Just be.

November 16, 2017

Posted in Poetry, Sleepless Nights

Free Verse: A Longing for Death

I want to die.

I know it’s not right.

I know there are others

Who would fight

To keep this life.

But I’m tired;

I’m broken;

I’m done.

Why do we live?

What waits at the end?

Is it a friend?

Is it a bend

Leading us to yet another life?

Is it what I was taught

Or is it not?

What is the point?

Was there one in the first place?

Should I not erase

Myself from this place

That has not a familiar face?

What makes it worth it?

Is it love?

Is it truth?

What if we’re missing both?

Would anyone be missing us?

Why does it go on?

Why do we try

If everything is a lie

And we’re all going to die

In the end anyway?

Don’t be worried;

It’s all a flurry;

We pretend to know what’s going on.

We judge

And live

And act as if

Everything is fine.

And I fear

Darkness is not all

That will be waiting

At the end.

November 12, 2017

Posted in Sleepless Nights, Writing

Just Me

I wish I could write something beautiful for you. I wish I could make anything beautiful for you — be capable of doing anything nice or pretty or good. 

Instead I keep handing you these broken little pieces, these shards, these fragments that hurt me and keep cutting your hands. I apologize and try to take them back, but that makes it worse. You just sit patiently and deal with the pain while I cry like a helpless child. Aren’t I a helpless child?

I’d always wanted to be like the strong heroes. The cool ones who had it all together. Which was why I got frustrated at myself and broke myself and tried to fix myself and only got more frustrated. Which is why I still do that now. 

I had always wanted to give you something more. But that’s impossible. All along I’ve been trying to give you something else when all I can give you is me. And maybe that’s all you’ve wanted. Just me.