Yo. Bad blogger reporting for duty. Yeah, I haven’t been posting often… not that anyone really cares (including me), but I thought we might as well be honest with ourselves. I could use the excuse that I’m kinda hurting right now, but we kinda all are, so pfffffffft.
Hallo USA, g’bye life as a kid at the closest thing to “home.” If you couldn’t tell, I’ve moved, and I’m trying to figure out this thing called “being in the middle of two places you’re trying to transition between.” We’ve left home, but I still have a couple of months before actually moving to university. (Whoa. That’s a big word. “University.” Scary.) Sooo I’m at home but I’m not and I’m basically trying to figure out my meaning and purpose and direction in life.
Pretty stinking big questions.
And since I’ve started this post so honestly, I thought I might as well share that I’m a bigger mess now than I’ve been in a while. And since I know God likes to use open rawness sometimes in funny ways, I thought I might as well share that I’ve been feeling pretty abandoned by Him lately. Kind of mad at Him, too.
(Now, when you share stuff like this with all those really good Christians, they’ll just lecture you on how you’re supposed to trust Him, or read your Bible, or pray more; so don’t tell them I typed that.)
Another feeling I’ve been struggling with is the feeling that Christians really feel hypocritical as crap sometimes, especially here. This isn’t to say everyone is, but you have to admit it: most of us are. We go to church, do our quiet times (when we remember to), tell peeps we’ll pray for them, lecture everyone on how to live… you know. We have it all figured out. We’re righteous people. We ain’t got time to get down on our knees and admit we’re broken.
As to this business with God, I told Him I knew He was here no matter what, that He’s good, that He’ll get me through it and stuff. Maybe that’s why I get pissed because I don’t feel Him. In a hurricane of silly little emotions whirling around, I feel like I’m crying out to Him with no answer, and at the same time I can hear that little atheist part of me (they come up in everyone, don’t they?) asking, “Hey big guy, are You even up there? Do You even dare to pretend that You care?” Which gets me mad, ’cause then He has the audacity to remain silent, or not give me that feeling I really needed.
Aaand the alarm bells ring at the word “feeling.” Remember this thing called “faith”? “Fidelity”? It means even when you feel like you’re flying blind, you cling to the belief and hope that the sun is still there behind the stormclouds. You stick it out even when the night comes and your world is completely transformed into darkness, because you remember that it’s not really about feelings anyway. You don’t ever feel like forgiving people who hurt you; you don’t feel like doing the hard but right thing; you don’t always feel like God is right there, either.
And we all have these moments of darkness, and we shouldn’t pretend otherwise. You know that that’s what makes people feel judged? Makes you look like a hypocrite? Because how can you claim not to have had those times of utter despair, of complete failure? How can you just talk at a person who’s genuinely hurting and pretend like you’ve never been through the same kind of pain?
You don’t have to be the “good” Christian. It’s not even about being “good.” What happened to love? What if you have the faith to move mountains, but do not love your brother? Can you say that God is in you? What if to love means accepting others’ brokenness, and showing them that they’re not alone by showing them your own flaws?
Christians are still human. Human means not having everything figured out, so drop the facade; it wasn’t fooling anyone in the first place. Just be real. Be honest. You don’t know who might be really needing it.